Life For Sale : "As-Is"

How the fuck I managed to delete two awesome drafts of this blog post, I know not. I apologize in advance for my preemptory use of the F-bomb. It was not my intention. But, after spending nearly 40 minutes writing two drafts, and somehow deleting them (thanks squarespace) it just serves the situation.

Its reflective of the past month really. March carried with it (or rather, I carried with me) the sensation of constantly wading, ineffectively, through the mucky-muck of trying to buy a home while constantly feeling inadequate about other areas of my life, my ability as an artist in particular. Buying a home, as exciting and “adulty” as it is, has tested my patience, my determination, and my sanity more than I ever imagined.

But we are almost there. After taxes filed, taxes paid, loss/profit forms created, credit cards scoured, budgeting to the max, e-sign after e-sign, inspections made, repairs completed, inspections re-done—we are almost there. This Friday, April 5th, if by all Acts of God and Congress things go well (perhaps that is not a very good metaphor, considering our political situation and the state of our planet…) we will get the keys to our very own home. And though this prospect is exciting and brimming with potential, it is also scary as shit. I have experienced the scourge of doubt unlike any other, my headspace constantly full with the endless mind-chatter that already plagues me, but now, telling me a story of how this isn’t the right decision, its a horrible idea, its not the right house, etc etc ad infinitum.

And I have to tell it to shut up. ALOT. Because, in the end, are there really “good” and “bad” choices? There are only different paths, opportunities, and lessons learned. Isn’t it all about perspective?

As we were in the process of trying to find a home with a very limited first-time buyers’ budget, I encountered many homes sold “AS IS”. For us, that meant we couldn’t qualify to buy due to the terms of our loan. Essentially, an “AS IS” home has issues or repairs needed that the seller doesn’t want to deal with. Someone who purchases the home knows the issues and is willing to either a) live with it or b) take on the repairs necessary. Though these homes were out of our reach due to our loan type, this phrase “as is” stirred up even more thoughts in my already overflowing brain.

So much of my stress and doubt comes from worry—about what may happen, what could happen, what could go wrong, what I am going to make for dinner, how I may be royally screwing up my daughter in some way, shape or form. A constant futuristic mind-set that does nothing for me whatsoever but preclude the present moment and steal my peace. Life comes to us “AS IS”. It is almost never, pretty, neat, exact, or tied up with a little red bow. All last month, I had this sense that I was wading in a muck, when really, what I needed to do was go with the flow. To trust. I was with a constant sensation that at some point, things would smooth out, and everything would feel “together’. And I came to realize—it WILL NEVER BE NEAT. I will never feel like I have all my shit together. There will always be something—if its not buying a house, its my doubts about my jewelry business, my role as mother, as wife, as a yoga instructor. I am really damn good at making myself feel inadequate and worrisome about all these things. But recognizing to see life “as-is” —knowing it is going to have some issues and problems from the start—and learning to accept this is the first step to a calmer mind. And like the “AS IS” house, some of those issues you can live with, or work on to make the necessary repairs.

I am learning to be okay with the “as is” in front of me. It isn’t always comfortable, but that’s okay too. Trying to teach myself to soften with myself. Social media in particular has a great way of making me feel like my ‘as is’ isn’t quite good enough. It is a constant process and quest to not compare my “as is” with others, because I will always lose. My mind has a great sneaky way of making me feel like a schmuck. But, I try and try to train it to also see what is before me, to see what is good, to be present, and okay with my “as is”. I am no master yet, nor do I think I will ever be. Recognizing whatever life offers up to me along the way isn’t always neat, pretty, convenient, pleasurable or good is there to help me learn, to grow, and to become just a little bit better from it. And of course, in the meantime, to recognize (as in my last blog post) WHAT IS GOOD.

And soon, Robin and I will have the keys to our new house. IT IS COMING TOGETHER, even though at times, it never felt like it would. And all that wading through the muck, it was just part of the process. Soon, we will be out of the pluff mud and onto the beach, full of fresh air and open horizons. Because life “as is”, also has a way of opening up after you put in the work. But, I know there will be new challenges, new opportunities to learn to grow, and getting those keys doesn’t make anything easier, better, or neater. It will just be different. And each day will be a chance to find a little bit more acceptance with my “as-is” for those issues I can live with, and motivation for the repairs that need to be made.